That Friday night mood came without warning. Nothing could prepare any of us for what would take place.
I went to the Youth Room, knowing only that the Juniors were putting on a vespers again. The last time they’d done this was a couple weeks previous, the Thanksgiving vespers with the brown paper bags. I expected something similar, but was greatly mistaken.
Bekki got up in front of everyone and explained what the evening would consist of. The Juniors were going to start telling “their stories”. Tough things they’ve dealt with in life and have overcome or are still struggling through. One girl shared about the problems she had had with alcohol and the trouble she got in with the law. Then a guy told us how he never felt truly accepted by his half brothers. Another girl let us into her cutting experiences. Then another girl gave a short talk about her time in CAPS, from which she had been released (she was readmitted the following night). Others opened themselves up, sharing the gritty details of their lives.
None of this was easy to sit through. Many, many people shed tears, hearing what their peers had gone through. Some were able to relate to the stories being shared, making it an even more personal experience from which flowed an ocean of emotions that permeated the fiber beings of adults and teenagers alike. The Youth Room had seen many a moving moments, but never one of this magnitude. I could almost literally feel my inner self pulling and twisting and forming to understand what was happening. I felt sadness, hearing the secret pains endured by my friends. I felt gladness, learning how things had been conquered. And I felt frightened, knowing that God was calling me to let out my personal issues. Issues that I wasn’t at peace with putting on display for everyone…
One of my good friends was the most memorable that night. He began by telling the heartache he’d been having over losing friends. One to drugs and transfer to public school. Another left for Brazil and hasn’t come back. Two major people in his life, gone. In the blink of an eye. He got emotional telling these things which flooded me with emotions, because I could relate. I didn’t wanna see any friends hurt. Towards the end of his sharing, he briefly let us know that he’d recently been struggling with masturbation. What??
A moment of mental free fall and recognition took place before it sunk in. I wasn’t alone. There were two of us that were plagued with the addiction. Two! I had to leave the room and get out. I needed to leave. This was a confusing moment, yet one of subtle joy. God knew what He was doing. He knew my problems and troubles. He knew that I wasn’t about to expose those deeper, more intimate parts of my being. Yet, in an instant, everything flipped upside down. I needed to talk with my friend and tell him this overwhelming feeling I was having. After years and years of secrecy, torment and self-loathing, he was the catalyst to shatter my silence.
Something unknown was building up inside of me. Something new. I reentered the Youth Room and approached my friend who was talking quietly with a few other peers while others continued sharing up front. By the time I reached him, there weren’t even words I could say. I wrapped my big arms around his small frame. I’m sure that at first he thought I was being funny (us guys do things like that in jest), until the tears came. The dark inner realms of my being became illuminated; Brought to light with the knowledge of camaraderie in painful addiction. I tried to make my mouth and lungs work to produce coherent speech, but it was impossible. My fellow peers with whom he had been talking rallied around, suggesting prayer. The four of us joined in a circle, ready to pray, when another guy came into our group as well. I don’t think he realized quite yet what was going on, until I prayed and thanked God, through tears, for my friend’s sharing that night. The other guy immediately broke down and we all held each other close in the circle while he poured out his heart to God, admitting his struggle as well. Three of us…
“Dude, can we just go talk somewhere?” his words were nearly lost behind the emotion spilling forth.
“Yeah man, let’s go.” I followed him out of the Youth Room and we sat on the stairs down the hall. My cathartic water works were at their end by the time we began talking. He and I connected about our issues, shared personal things, and bonded closer as friends. After a good while of conversing, the relief hit. Joy and bliss permeated my every being. Heaven’s light seemed to shine down, cleansing me of all my fears and anxiety about my past. I’d never felt anything like it before. The locks were broken. The nerves were gone. My heart felt at peace.
I… am free…
That wasn’t the end of the night however. Upon leaving the stairwell, we beheld an entire group of students in the hallway, circled up and praying. My other guy friends were there, crying their eyes out, stricken with emotion. Soon after this, two other guys felt convicted to share their battles with pornography. Towards the end of the night, the majority of the guys gathered in a group to pray and conclude the evening in prayer together.
The Atmosphere Project felt in orbit. Everyone seemed on a high the next few days, super charged from Friday’s experience. Another similar vespers was planned for the upcoming week. And God was calling me to speak…
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