I wish it weren’t so, but there are predators who can and will target your children…and church gives them perfect access.

Unfortunately, I know from experience that these types of relationships with adults in your trusted church family can have lasting affects.

I was ten when a very nice man befriended me and my family. Looking back, I can see he targeted me almost immediately after we relocated and joined the church.

Over the years we went on day trips unaccompanied by other adults, though sometimes another child/pre-teen/teenager. We went out to eat, to concerts, to state parks, just on a drive. He attended my school concerts. He brought my friends out to my house to see me. He gave me gifts. One time he gave me a camera and I could take as many pictures as I wanted. He’d take it and have the pictures printed for me. Now, I’m disturbed to recall that he printed doubles of all the pictures. So, somewhere, he has photos of me as a girl. None of them are inappropriate, but it haunts me to know he has them. It haunts me to know he wanted them. It haunts me to know this is not all he wanted, and this is why he ended our relationship when I got very serious about my high school boyfriend at just sixteen years old.

Now that I’m thirty-five and have children of my own, I realize how dangerously close I was to being sexually abused at the hand of a trusted adult in my church family.

Now that I’ve spoken out, I know that I was not the only girl in that church he targeted.

Now that I have a voice, I have the responsibility and the means to prevent it from happening to other children, maybe your child.

So how do you protect your children from sexual predators at church and anywhere else people have access to your family? Stick around and we’ll work it out, together.

What is Grooming, Anyway?

According to the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, RAINN, predatory grooming consists of “manipulative behaviors that the abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught.”

Interactions are often within the law and the predator is usually very careful about this.

That said, the process of predatory grooming is a progression that occurs in stages.

There is an old saying, “Trust is earned in drops and lost in buckets.”

A sexual predator would rather leave the community and find another instead earning trust again. A lot of work is put into this process of trust-earning, so pay attention to the stages.

1. A victim is targeted. The predator notices a chink in the armor. The child has a self-esteem problem. They need something that the predator can provide. The parents don’t pay enough attention.
2. Trust of the child is gained. The predator may fulfill a need of the child to gain trust. Another tactic may be to put a barrier between the child and their parent(s). Introducing secrets and stepping in place of the parent is a common tactic at this stage.
3. The needs/desires of the child are fulfilled. This is when gifts are introduced. This will also be when the predator lavishes attention on the child and offers affection where it may be lacking from others.
4. Predator gains unsupervised access to the child. The isolation of the child may take many forms that seem harmless. The predator offers to babysit, tutor, teach music, drive to [fill in blank]. At this stage the parent may comply and unknowingly allow access to the child because they appreciate the help.
5. Interactions are increasingly sexualized. The predator may use intimate language and discuss sexual things with the child. Nonsexual touching may occur to desensitize the child and create curiosity. The predator will use this curiosity to increase advances.
6. Predator maintains control of relationship. This may be the most dangerous stage of predatory grooming because the child trusts the adult and is afraid to speak out. The child may also be afraid to end the relationship with this trusted adult even if he or she realizes it is problematic.

I admit, I am skeptical of any attention and gift-giving toward my children–for good reason.

To this day I find things from this time in my life. I’ll find a book mark he gave me, or a photo I know he took. Then my skin will crawl. I refuse to let my children experience these types of memories twenty years from now–if I can help it.

Protect Your Children From Predatory Grooming

Even if you’ve never put a plan in place to protect against predators no matter where you are you can now. Make sure your family rules are followed even at church.

Set family rules that establish words for sexual parts and boundaries for sexual behavior.

• Use only proper verbiage for sexual parts. This way if something does happen, your child can use the proper terms to describe the incident. Additionally, using the proper language can deter a predator from acting in the moment.
• Teach your children that the age of consent is 18 years old. This establishes a clear boundary and your child will have clear language to use if someone makes sexual advances.
• Make sure your children know who to talk to about sexual things. This should be the parent or guardian and a physician. If anyone else attempts to discuss sex or sexual things, they can recognize this boundary.
• Discuss modesty and establish guidelines for dressing/undressing. Every child in the home should have a safe and private place to change clothes. Make sure your children know to never use the restroom or change unless they are alone.
• Set expectations for photography and phone use. Let your children know the laws for sending and receiving photos over the internet. Define pornography and make sure they understand the seriousness of participating in sexualized photography.
• Set new rules as you go. It may be necessary, and it’s for your child’s protection.

Teach your children about “red flag” secrets.

If another adult or child discusses sensitive topics with your child and says “but it’s a secret, okay?” that seems harmless enough. Your child may never tell you.

However, if you establish “red flag” topics with your children ahead of time, they will absolutely understand a boundary has been crossed when and if it occurs.

Some red flag topics to consider: sex, romance, dating, family rules, and reproductive/menstruation.

Make a list of trusted adults your child can count on.

Talk regularly with your children about who you trust and why. Tell your children they can trust this person, and then remind them that some people may break this trust. Go and tell the people on your list that they are a “trusted adult” for your family. Tell them the boundaries for your family, and instruct them to notify you if your children discuss sensitive things with them. This “it takes a village” model will keep you informed when your children are afraid to talk to you about certain topics.

Only you know who you can trust with your children. I encourage you to rethink trusting a babysitter with your child’s care if you cannot trust them in the way I just described. If you trust your babysitter in this way, but haven’t had this conversation with your babysitter, I encourage you to do so immediately. Establish clear boundaries that include notifying you when sensitive topics, behaviors, and concerns come up when you’re not there.

Also, feel free to remove trusted adults from the list when they break your family’s trust. I cannot stress this enough. Tell your children they are no longer a trusted adult and tell them why (as far as you can without gossiping, etc.).

Remind your children you love them most and will listen and believe them, always putting them first.

If you remind your children constantly that you are on their side, that you love them most, and will believe them no matter what, they are more likely to talk to you.

To encourage this type of communication, make sure every interaction is positive and compassionate.

Also, pray. Pray for your children every day. Pray for them as you leave them at the daycare or babysitter. Pray for every adult that interacts with your family because it’s that important.