Mother’s Day a few years ago, my children gave me a plaque which said “I AM MOM…What’s Your Super P
ower.” I keep it in my bedroom to remind me of what I am not but yet in that moment, what they saw me as. I chuckle as I write this, because back then, I had fairytale blinders on and oh how I wished that they would always see me as a superhero because I thought that just by being able to birth and by birthing them, I was.
Mother’s Days were different in my home. We are a Marvel family and there was always a Marvel movie released on the Mother’s Day weekend and so that was my gift. We would have breakfast and go catch the release. That was my joy! Being with them, doing an activity which we all enjoyed, and although they may have wanted to be the ones to buy me things, was what I wanted to give on this special day. I don’t say that to be brash, but in a world which tears down women, black women, and mothers, because I knew that motherhood was an intrinsic gift from God which no one could take, that was the one thing I saw value in. But as I remembered those good times, I sat in pain today because this is the first Mother’s Day we are not able to be together. They do grow up and leave the nest. So Today I choose to sit in the joys and pains of being a mom.
Today’s a day which is very painful for many women. There are women who are missing their moms because they have died or abandoned them, some who want to be biological moms but are unable, some who won’t hear the greeting because they are estranged from their children, and so much more. Those experiences add to the collective weight of Mother’s Day where women remember that we are called to coexist with the joys and pains of seasons and we cannot escape it jaws. However, this day is also painful for its truth.
When I think of Mother’s Day it encapsulates all the painful moments of my journey as a mom. Childbirth was not easy and I almost died with my third child barely pass from death to life to be able to be here today to see them as young adults. I carry scars on many parts of my stomach from a C-section and hysterectomy all as a result of this great risk and greater gift of being a mom. My body is not the same nor does it want to cooperate with me to get back to be in pre-pregnancy state. Trust me I have spent the last 27 years reclaiming it and the time and I have finally sent up the white flag of surrender because I finally recognized that though I thought I was trying to reclaim my pre-pregnancy life, I was subconsciously doing all of these things to undo the pain which motherhood brought physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So today I share with you my thoughts about the acceptance of the journey… the totality of the journey.
Placing pain synonymously with motherhood would be seen as absurd to many because when we think of having a child we are thinking forward of the laughter and the companionship and the joy of being a mother. But motherhood also ushers in an era to which so many of us women were and still are not ready for. The minute we were ushered into motherhood, we exited out of a phase of womanhood which we can only build on in a new way after our children are grown up, out of the house and we transition to parental guides to them which releases us from the types of sacrifices parental provider called for. What do I mean by that? We will never be the same woman we were before having our first child nor should we want to be. But it’s hardly seen in today’s society, conversations between women to help usher and guide them through that understanding.
As a 47 year old woman with three young adult children, when they call me mommy today, it feels different than when they called on me in the younger years. Why? It now feel like the real truth and not the ideas I had about being their mother. When they call me mother, in the layers of their voices, I hear the sound of their experience with me as a mother. Not what people say (positive or critical), not what people think, not what people think they know, but their voices carry the personal the weight of all of my fumbles, sins, ignorance, victories, ‘kind of did that OKs’, failure with the first one, a little better with the second one, and then failure with the third one because he was a boy and I only knew raising girls. I could only speak from an honest place because children bring out the honesty that so many of us mothers cover with a curtain of perceived triumph. Just because we brought them into the world does not mean that we are good mothers, it just means that we were able to partner with God in His creative genius for God is the first mother and we help to copy His creative masterpiece. This is why God challenged me today of all days to take some time to sit in the discomfort of the reflection of the totality of motherhood, the good, the bad, the mistakes I probably will never recover from, the ones that I did recover from, and my children’s navigation through the world of young adulthood knowing that their journey has much to do with my mothering, how they look at the world, how you pray, how they have friendships, how they eat, how they live, and how they perceive Him to be. I and reminded that the God-given super power of motherhood is in the how we introduced the world and God to our children, and most importantly how they see us interact with God and the kind of relationship we have with Him which lays the foundation and map for them in life way after they have left our homes.
By no means am I’m trying to be a Debbie Downer on this beautiful day. But I believe that this day could be celebrated even more holistically when we who are mothers, biologically, through adoption, through being a bonus mom, auntie, grandmother, and whatever capacity a child looks to us, see today as a celebration of the triumph of God who helps bring us through all of these rough and smooth waters, and the repeats of both experiences. Then we could revel and enjoy the beauty of the gift of motherhood. It is not easy nor is it meant to be but if we can continue to be resilient and bounce back from every failure, every mistake, every failed idea, every burnt meal, every missed event, every harsh tone, every sin, and every notion that because we are not perfect moms, we do not carry the gift of that superpower which came from God, we will see that if we have faith and courage to be honest about all sides of our mothering and give them to God in exchange for His Grace, forgiveness and peace, He will help us to develop the mindset of gratitude and peace to believe that He can and will make all things well and will take even our best attempts at motherhood and work them out for both ours and our children’s good,
Recently, my children and I had a very honest moment when the rubber hit the road and they began their emergence into adulthood. It was very painful as they shared, and we spoke about all of the things which as their mother I did, which hurt them. God reminded me of my ups and downs with Him and the choice He gives me to be in relationship with Him. The difference was that I was the wayward daughter and He was and remains to be the perfect and good parent to me. So with that example, I reminded them that they had a choice in this phase of their life to cut me off and I would understand totally but it had to be their choice. God who had brought me to the point of understanding that He would always take care of them. The other hard truth is that we will always be the ones to birth them but they will have to choose to continue to be in a relationship with us at some point in their lives. And we were at that point. This is one of the best gifts we can give anyone who we may not have had a perfect relationship with. Once we can face our role in their lives and how it affected them, through that honest conversation with vulnerability, confession, safety, and supplication, if we can give them the freedom to choose, we give God an opportunity to renew, heal, and re-gift the relationship back to us.
Mother’s Day is different today because instead of me giving my children the gift of motherhood, they have chosen to give me the gift of motherhood… continued motherhood. This is the best gift ever!
God can heal and restores us, our relationships and even His gifts of roles in the lives of others. May we always embrace the totality of our lived experiences with people and especially with our children and lead with grace, forgiveness and faith.
Happy Mother’s Day!
