David was in an extremely difficult position because the troops talked about stoning him, for they were all very bitter over the loss of their sons and daughters. But David found strength (and encouraged) in the LORD his God. 1 Samuel 30:6 Christian Standard Bible (paraphrased)
You may find this strange or relatable depending on what side of your struggle you are in, but I have been struggling with the difficulty in the text and could not get to the strength of the text. A recent life crisis had placed a weight of worry on my mind, and the emotional fatigue had me only noticing the darkness and hopelessness in everything. I was, and sometimes, still stuck wallowing in the could nots, what ifs and throwing amazing pity parties, yet something kept telling me that there is Joy waiting for me. All i needed to do was pray and let go through God so that He can show me His Rainbows of Joy. Well, it sounded so powerful and simple and yet in as much as I love and trust God, I was still struggling to find the Hope for me in Him. God is all powerful and I see Him in every situation, even my crisis, but my belief to heal was dim, even though my belief in Him to take care of my needs and others was strong. Yes, is it possible to co-exist with dual states of being and experiences with God. Furthermore, the Beauty and Strength in His Ministry of Presence is that He never leaves us to journey through those spaces on our own. So, for the last three months, I’ve been fighting, no crawling my way back from depression, anxiety and PTSD.
There is a song which has a line, “Encourage yourself in the Lord.”Thinking about that song reminded me that they were singing about David, but what was said of him disturbed me. I was stuck in the idea that David was alone to encouraged himself while wrestling with the question, “why would God think to push me to encourage myself when I’m down, when He could Lift me up like He’s done before?” Still stuck in the first part of the story, I felt that it didn’t seem like a good tactic for David because he was already deep in his sorrow, depression, guilt, anger, and probably any other emotional distress one could think of. He was discouraged to the point of numbness. In his depression the thought of pulling up his bootstraps seemed impossible. Again, I thought with frustration that even though his fatigue and mental and emotional toll had emptied all of his motivational reserves, David was left to encourage his own self even in his emptiness. Then the Holy Spirit gently whispered to me that I was stuck in the distress of the text and could not see the Rescue because I was processing it through my own depression and hopelessness. I could only see clearly what I was experiencing currently. I was wrestling with only part of David’s experience. To see my Hope I needed to be Brave and Daring enough to see where David found Hope.
Many of us, including myself, find ourselves stuck in this same state of physical, emotional, social, religious, and spiritual crisis. It is difficult to find Faith, Hope, and Encouragement in our suffering. Perhaps, it is because we are depleted of the energy or motivation to look beyond our personal pain. Have you heard the saying that “pain blinds us?” Yes it does! I know right now some reading this may find it unbelievable that a Christian could find themselves in such a place, but trust me, if you have lived enough life, this place is frequently visited and yet God is there with us offering us Mercy and Hope every single time. So, please don’t get me wrong, just like David, we can love the Lord with all our might and soul so this isn’t about the depth of our love for God, This is about the effects of sin which slowly weaken us so that we can no longer sense God’s Love. This seems to be unfair, but we know that living in this sinful world depletes our lives. So again I asked myself, why was David left to encourage himself? The answer is in the corrective lens of the text or reading the entire text and knowing its context. The truth is that David was physically alone but was not left alone. God was there! God was encouraging him to do the very same therapeutic practice which today, therapists encourage us to do in order to think clearly and to offload our stresses, WRITE!
David writes, and he writes and he writes! Most of us know the impact David’s writings have had on ours and countless of lives. His thoughts, songs, and poetry, were all conversations with God. They have encouraged us many times over to see beyond our grief and blurred vision of life, into the clearing where we find the Redeeming and Peace Filled Love of God. David’s writings reveal to us the storms and crisis He was in and yet, his conclusions encourage us to hold on to God our Savior, Defender, Healer, Restorer, Warrior, Forgiver of Sins, Redeemer, and so much more. Bear with me, but even with that in mind I still wrestled with why David’s writing are so powerful that they literally turn hearts from sorrowful to hopeful? The answer is David’s transparency and vulnerability which many run from because it calls for us to lay down the defensive shields we have around us so that our fragility and brokenness would not be used as a weapon against us. David’s writings are personal, honest, vulnerable, real, and truthful because of this powerful reason, they are from His journey and personal relationship with God. In his writings of his life experiences, we step into the heart chamber of God and David’s Covenant story. It is here we see that God didn’t abandon David to fend for himself when David was in emotional distress and depression. God gave David a powerful weapon, to not just survive those moments, but to give permanence through writing. He gave him the pathway and formula to continue to exchange burdens with God’s Joy and Peace.
I am a published author, and recently came out of those shadows of fear, but what many do not know is that I have been writing for a very long time. As a matter of fact, writing and communication is a generational gift which my children also have and have found solace in! However, I have not shared 99% of my poems, songs, essays, devotionals, or blogs because they were written in the shame filled/darkest of times. They are my intimate and vulnerable conversations and arguments with God, and my raw responses to His Love and Grace. I have had many dark and depressing experiences, many of which suicide seemed to be the peaceful end to the violence which evil and depression torments me with. Poor mental health in all of its forms and diagnoses debilitates us from functioning even at minimum efficiency. Depression and sorrow are not impartial and have no conscience. They have no mercy but steal our strength and mental fortitude so we are unable to see any Rainbows in our storms. We lose interest and energy to just do! Doing the basics like getting out of bed, eating, personal hygiene, socializing, or simply smiling are not in our energy bank. It seizes our will to be!
I never intended for my own writing and journaling to encourage me or to be shared. However, reflecting on David’s writings, re-reading mine, and the encouragement of my therapists and mentors have led me reflect on my words and I try to keep writing as much as I can. I now realize that the weapon for David’s dark days was in his transference of hopeless thoughts to the exposure and publication of the Testimony of the Goodness of God, HIS LOVE! I’m sure that David would nod his head in agreement saying “yup, yup, yup, I know exactly what you mean, I can relate.” Yes, God was with David personally and yes, God was guiding his Testimony and using the weapon of the Enduring Life of words which are permanently inked to last beyond our experiences and lives. It feels less lonely when you recognize that you are Not Alone in the battle for mental health and that the ones who have the deepest love for God, dually experience wounding, sorrow and darkest of days. The Good News is that including David, all of those who are in relationship with God can testify to one unchangeable Truth. Paul said it best in Romans 8:35-39 (NIV)
The Love of God through the written testimonies of those He has walked with in all seasons of life, remain as a Guide Post gift for others to find ways to be Strengthened and Encourage themselves in the Lord. We can find countless Bible writings with commandments, encouragement, and personal testimonies about the power in writing as a legacy and testimony for the declaration and proof that God is Everything He tells us He is. His Word in Flesh and Written, introduces us to the One who has all that we need for Peace in chaos. Calvary, Sacrificial Love made it possible for us to find in Jesus the Christ Love, a Healer, Savior, Friend, Advocate, Justice, and so much more. However, we can also find those same evidences in the current lives of God’s children today. Just look around, and as you look past your dark clouds with God’s help, guess what, Love and Hope are closer than you think. God has placed Hope and His Love in YOU! I know this because you are breathing! You are breathing in Hope and Love today.
In this season of grey and dark clouds mixed with Rainbows and rays of sun, the Word of God and personal testimonies all around this world are my encouragement. I pray that you find Hope in them also. I dream for you Psalm 102:18 which is not written by David, but whoever wrote it gives us a dark yet intimate life moment with God. It was written for us to glean that God was their Hope and Answer. The title of Psalm 102 is “Do Not Hide Your Face from Me A Prayer of one afflicted, when he is faint and pours out his complaint before the Lord.”
Psalm 102:18(ESV) Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord.
I also pray for you Job 19:23-25 (ESV), where we find his plea for God to keep his journey as a testimony that the Redeeming God Lives.
23 “Oh that my words were written! Oh that they were inscribed in a book! 24 Oh that with an iron pen and lead they were engraved in the rock forever! 25 For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth.
My Prayer for you today is that you Pray and Write! Engage with your pain in honest conversation with God then journal and write! Write your feelings and story to God, and then Share, Share, and Share over and over and over God’s story of Love for you!
