Death is the Great Suffering. To live beyond the death of your loved ones is to suffer deep and ongoing wounds. In Job’s case, he did not suffer alone. His friends made an appointment to spend time with him.
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great. Job 3:11-13 ESV
These three friends did not speak a word to Job for seven days and nights. They wailed and wept but remained wordless. Whatever significance these actions hold, one thing is clear; Job’s suffering was terrible. The actions of his friends attest to his deep pain.
As a chaplain, I saw and experienced death every week for years. Some were close to me, some not so close. I listened to a lot of words during those deaths and I am sure that most of the words spoken were meant to comfort the grieving. I don’t know if they did. In fact, on the whole, I doubt that they did.
Death for many in health care is a natural part of living. I would hear that often from doctors and nurses. I had no need to disagree with them or argue with them. They are entitled to their beliefs. I see it differently though. My starting place for understanding death goes back to the Garden of Eden.
In Genesis 2:17 we find the first mention of death. God counseled his creations not to eat of a certain tree for it would bring them a new and unwelcome knowledge, the knowledge of death. Ignoring that counsel, the couple went ahead and ate of the “tree of knowledge of good and evil.”
The natural result of eating this tree was death. It released a poison upon the world that would cause immense suffering. In Job’s case, the suffering was so great, that it is amazing his heart did not burst within him.
I found that words of music, or words of presence, or words of suffering or lamentations from Scripture were far more valuable than any contrived wording I could come up with upon someone’s death. Many times I was asked to play a hymn or other soothing music on my harmonica. Many times the words of Scripture, particularly the Psalms, were well accepted by those grieving. But my own words, the feeble attempts to put into words my own explanations of death were mostly failures. In fact, I gave up after a while at trying to explain suffering and loss as Job had experienced it.
According to my understanding of God’s plan, Death is not normal.
This makes death difficult, if not impossible to explain. And it is easy to normalize what you cannot explain. We will see this as Job searches for answers from God after being disappointed by his friends and their explanations.
I came to the place where I learned to comfort others as these three friends did at first with presence, lamentation, and support. Death makes us uncomfortable in many ways and extremes. We do not like talking about it, much less experiencing it. I’m glad for those that have no need to talk about it. Most are young and have not experienced the death of a close friend or family member. But time and tragedy change that at some point.
Like Job, we cannot escape that point where we need to talk about it. It is not morbid or wrong. In fact, it is healthy and necessary. It is painful and dreadful. It is raw and real.
Who are the friends that will sit with you and speak in silence of things that make no sense but are inescapable?
We may never find the words to explain death, but we must learn to use the feelings of lamentation. Whatever lasting healing that comes after loss comes by way of lamentation.
