David was in an extremely difficult position because the troops talked about stoning him, for they were all very bitter over the loss of their sons and daughters. But David found strength (and encouraged) in the LORD his God. 1 Samuel 30:6 Christian Standard Bible (paraphrased)
You may find this strange or relatable depending on what side of your struggle you are in, but I have been struggling with the difficulty in the text and could not get to the strength of the text. A recent life crisis had placed a weight of worry on my mind, and the emotional fatigue had me only noticing the darkness and hopelessness in everything. I was and sometimes still get stuck, wallowing in the could nots, throwing amazing pity parties, yet something kept telling me that there is joy waiting for me, just pray and let go through G0d so that He can show me the rainbows of joy. Well all that sounded so powerful and simple and yet in as much as I love and trust God, I was still struggling to find the hope for me in Him. God is all powerful and I see Him in every situation, even my crisis, but my belief to heal was dim, even though my belief in Him to take care of my needs and others was strong. Yes, is it possible to co-exist with dual states of being and experiences with God furthermore, the beauty and strength in His ministry of presences is that He never leave us to journey through those spaces on our own. So, for the last three months, I’ve been fighting, no crawling my way back.
There is a song which has a line, “Encourage yourself in the Lord”, so thinking about that song reminded me that they were singing about David but what was said of him disturbed me. I was stuck only that David encouraged himself and wrestled with the question, why would God think to push me to encourage myself when I’m down, when He could lift me up like He’s done before. Still stuck in the first part of the story, I felt that it didn’t seem like a good tactic for David because he’s was already deep in his sorrow, depression, guilt, anger and probably any other emotional distress one could think of. He was discouraged to the point of numbness. In his depression the thought of pulling up his bootstraps seemed impossible. Again I thought with frustration that even though his fatigue and mental and emotional toll has emptied all of his motivational reserves, yet even in his emptiness, David is left to encourage his own self. Then the Holy Spirit gently whiSpered to me that I was stuck in the distress of the text and could not see the rescue in the text because I was stuck in my own depression and hopelessness and could only see clearly what I was experiencing currently. I was wrestling with only part of David’s experience, and to see my hope I needed to be brave enough to dare to see David’s hope.
Many of us, including myself find ourselves stuck in this same state of physical, emotional, social, religious, and spiritual crisis and can’t find faith, hope, and encouragement in the suffering. Perhaps because we are depleted of the energy or motivation to look. I know right now some reading this may find it unbelievable that a Christian could never land in such a place but trust me, if you have lived enough life, this place is frequently visited and God is there with mercy and hope every time. So, please don’t get me wrong, just like David, we love the Lord with all our might and soul so this isn’t about love, this is about the effects of sin which slowly weakens us to sense the love. This seems to be unfair, but we know that living in this sinful world depletes our lives. So again why is David left to encourage himself? The answer is in the corrective lens of the text or reading the entire text. The truth is that David was physically alone but is not left alone. God is there, encouraging him to do the thing which today therapist encourages us to do in order to think clearly and to offload our stresses, WRITE!
David writes, and he writes and he writes. Most of us know the impact David’s writings has had on many lives down through the ages. His thoughts, songs, poetry, all conversations with God, have encouraged us many times over to see beyond our grief and blurred vision of life, to see that in the clearing is the Love of God. Many of David’s writings are reveal to us the storms and crisis He was in and yet, his conclusions encouraged us to hold on to God the Savior, Defender, Healer, Restorer, Warrior, and Forgiver of sins. Bear with me, but I still wrestled with why David’s writing are so powerful that they literally turn hearts from sorrow to hopeful? His writings are personal, honest, vulnerable, real, truthful, and the most powerful reason, they are from His journey and personal relationship with God. In HIs writings and life story, we step into the heart chamber of God and David’s covenantal story. It is here we see that God didn’t abandon David to fend for himself when David was in emotional distress, but God gave David a most powerful weapon, to not just survive those moments but to mark through writings the pathway and formula to continue to exchange our burden with God’s joy and peace.
I am a published author, recently came out of those shadows of fear, but what many do not know is that I have been writing for a very long time. As a matter of fact writing and communication is a generational gift which my children also have and have found solace in! However I have not shared 99% of my poems, songs, essays, devotionals, or blogs because they were written in the shame filled/darkest of times. They are my intimate and vulnerable conversations/arguments with God, and my raw responses to His love and Grace. I have had many dark and depressing experiences, many of which suicide seemed to be the peaceful end to the violence which evil and depression brings. Poor mental health in all of its forms and diagnoses, debilitates us from functioning even at the minimum efficiency. Depression and sorrow in not impartial and has no conscience. It has no mercy, but washes away our strength and mental fortitude to see any rainbows in our storms. We lose interest and energy to just do! Doing the basics like getting out of the bed, eating, personal hygiene, socializing, or simply smiling. It seizes our will to be!
I never intended for my own writing and journaling to encourage me or to be shared, however, reflecting on David’s writings, re-reading mine, and the encouragement of my therapist and mentors to go back to reflect on my words and also keep writing. I now realize that the weapon for David’s dark days was in his transference of hopeless thoughts to the exposure and publication of the testimony of the Goodness of God, HIS LOVE! I’m sure that David would nod his head in agreement saying “yup, yup, yup, I know exactly what you mean, I can relate”. Yes, God was with David personally and yes, God was guiding his testimony and gift of the weapon of the enduring life of words permanently inked to last beyond our experiences and lives. It feels less lonely when you recognize that you are not alone in the battle for mental health and that the ones who have the deepest love for God dually experience the deepest sorry and darkest days. The good news is that including David, all of those who are in relationship with God can testify to one unchangeable truth. Paul said it best in Romans 8:35-39 (NIV)
The love of God through the written testimonies of those He has walked with in all seasons of life, remain as a guide post gift for others to find ways to be strengthened and encouraged themselves in the Lord. We can find countless of Bible writings with commandments, encouragement, and personal testimonies about the power to writing as a legacy and testimony for the declaration and proof that God is everything He tells He is. His Word in flesh and written, from love to healer, from Savior to friend, from advocate to a just judge, and so much more. However, we can also find those same evidences in the current lives of God’s children today. Just look around and as you look past your dark cloud with God’s help, guess what, love and hope is closer than you think, God has placed hope and His love in YOU! I know this because you are breathing! You are breathing in hope and love in today.
In this season of grey and dark clouds mixed with rainbows and rays of sun, the Word of God and personal testimonies all around this world are my encouragement. I pray that you find hope in them also. I dream for you Psalm 102:18, not written by David but whoever wrote it gives us the dark yet intimate life moment with God and left it for us to relate and glean that God was their hope and answer and Job 19:23-25. The title of this Psalm 102 is “Do Not Hide Your Face from Me A Prayer of one afflicted, when he is faint and pours out his complaint before the Lord.”
Psalm 102:18(ESV) Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord
Job’s prayer to God. Job 19:23-25 (ESV)
23 “Oh that my words were written! Oh that they were inscribed in a book! 24 Oh that with an iron pen and lead they were engraved in the rock forever! 25 For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth.
My pray for you today is that you pray and write! Engage with your pain in honest conversation with God then journal and write! Write your feelings and story to God, and then share, share, and share over and over and over God’s story of Love to you!
