Today is Sabbath…and my 38th birthday…and I’m celebrating in sadness.
It’s my first birthday without my dad because about a year ago we discovered he had colorectal cancer and now he is gone.
Though I feel I’ve gone through a lot in the last year, it’s nothing compared to what my poor Daddy went through. I can only view those last few months with blurry focus, not looking too close. Every memory is clouded with the truth that he is gone now, making everything harder than before–including worship.
I can’t tell you I’m mad at God; I’m not. I can only say I’ve gone through life knowing I’ll never understand everything about God, and now I understand less than before. It is an exercise of faith to worship in darkness, and that darkness can be spaces of God’s holiness we can’t wrap our understanding around. That darkness can also be grief.
Jesus Grieving
We see in John 11, Jesus cries over the death of His friend, Lazarus, yet He goes on to do His work. He works a miracle amid that grief and raises Lazarus from the dead.
I have been focusing on another experience Jesus had, however–the experience of parent loss. I think most scholars assume Jesus’ earthly father, Joseph, died before Jesus even began His public ministry. We don’t know when He died, but I’ve talked to so many people in the last year who lost their fathers a year or two ago, and even two or three decades ago, and the grief is the same, though the sadness has changed.
It’s safe to say, that when Jesus was baptized in the Jordan and carried the loss of Joseph in His heart. He wandered the desert for 40 days and likely carried His father’s words in His mind during that time. Jesus performed miracles and healed–healed!–people. He raised them from the dead, which had to have affected Him, as He didn’t do the same for His father.
Jesus Worshiping
So, my loss has me looking at Jesus’ loss. I may not understand everything about the Father, but maybe Jesus also didn’t understand why He wasn’t meant to perform a miracle for His father. Yes, Jesus worshipped. Jesus embraced the Father in Heaven. He did His will. He loved others. He mentored the twelve. He taught others to pray. He gave Himself to God completely, even to death. During all His miraculous and loving acts of forgiveness, acceptance, and healing, He grieved a father.
Not all of Jesus’ teachings were in the words He spoke. Sometimes we can discover an important lesson by studying Him and studying His experience makes me wonder how I can worship through sadness. Sometimes how we could worship, lead, or serve, before isn’t how we can do it now–and that’s okay.
If you have experienced loss and are trying to find your way back to worship, I hope you can find peace and assurance in Jesus’ experience.
