As a caregiver, you will experience Flameout, sometimes every week. You will most likely experience Burnout and even remain Burned Out for a time. You can recover from these two conditions. Some go on to Walkout. They can give no more and have no more reserves. There is recovery for them as well, but each of these three have their own diagnosis and treatment plans.
Let’s look at these three conditions in the caregivers life so that we can learn to deal with them and come out on the other side with our health intact and joy for living still in our hearts.
Flame Out
When you are feeling stressed and wishing for help that comes from someone else or feeling some mild resentment that someone in the family is not stepping up to help you give care, then you are in flameout mode. A flameout in an aircaft is when the engine sputters and quits working properly. The pilot goes into restart mode after descending thousands of feet and restarts the engine.
We all flame out when we are deeply engaged in care activities. We have ways of restarting our engines and we get back on course.
Burnout
When the engine burns out, it will not restart without repair. We are going to crash land or land without engine power at least. Maintenance and recovery—rebuilding the engine and other damaged parts— is required. It will take some time. Some times the engine is burning out and we keep flying the plane to some place acceptable to land.
Walkout
I don’t think it is a sin or immoral to face your feelings, and if you feel like giving up and walking out, this is not a time for you to judge yourself harshly or allow others to judge you, but to see it as a cry for help. You might be thinking that there is no help to be had, no one understands what you are going through, and no one cares enough to make the situation better. You might be right. You might also be afraid to find the help you need.
Honesty with your own feelings is part of the diagnostic process, reflecting on what life is all about at this point in time. Facing and naming those feelings is key to being a whole and healthy person and a better caregiver, should you continue in that primary role.
You are responsible for your self care, and your feelings are guides to where you need the most care. Listen to them and face them.
Your feelings can be your friend. If you let them, they can be your enemy as well. At all times, it is best to let your feeling speak honestly, even if you think they are dark or unwarranted. People often think in their quieter moments that they can’t take it any more and just wish their loved one would go quietly in her sleep. Is that bad, evil or sinful? I don’t think so. It’s a feeling brought about by the difficulties of the circumstances.
The healthy caregiver faces those kinds of feelings and asks the questions: Why do I feel this at this moment? What brought me here, is it a long term episode or did something happen in the last day or two that made these dark feelings rise to the surface?
Then the beginnings of a resource plan start to form. Those resources and how to access them are part of the next article. Stay tuned, there is help.
